


symmetry

by watermelonascot



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Letters, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Trans Character, Unplanned Pregnancy, sort of? yeah ok sure!, you know how it be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 05:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watermelonascot/pseuds/watermelonascot
Summary: three bedrooms, two baths, two people, one circle.





	symmetry

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know how to write normal stories. the lowercase is intentional and this hasn't been beta'd.

march 4, 2011. 

you made me the happiest man in the world that day, the day you agreed to be my boyfriend. i’d been head over heels for you since we’d first met. your mischievous smile, rambunctious laugh and dirty dishwater eyes became a synonym for love and still remain that way as a bittersweet token of our relationship. 

/

i like to think that we really could have had something together. we were the perfect pair and good for each other. we didn’t mind each other’s shortcomings or insecurities. instead we mended our broken pieces together with glue and rubber bands until a circle was formed. together we made sense. we were symmetrical and even. 

may 5, 2011.

your jeans were grass stained and covered with patches of dirt as you crawled on all fours through the weeds and daisies, expression wild and uncontrolled as you clawed at plants and bugs. “where? where is it?” you hissed, visibly seething with anger. i didn’t understand then; i still don’t, not completely. like a triangle missing a side, i felt incomplete and flat without you. i needed you. i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you i DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE

august 4, 2011. 

we moved in together. once again, i felt my heart palpitate and contract with love. you became the sole purpose of my life. everything i did was for you. everything i do is for you, even postmortem. you were my everything and the only consistent thing in my life. 

you are 5’6. you weigh(ed) 132 pounds and have a tattoo of jack skellington on your arm. you say (said) you used to have five molars but they were removed. you take (took) 100 milligrams of testosterone every two weeks and had a double mastectomy in june. you were happy. 

were. past tense on purpose this time. 

i couldn’t make you happy, not all the time. your brain wasn’t producing enough of the right chemicals for that, but i didn’t care. nothing could stop me from loving you. i soothed you through panic attacks, manic episodes and vivid hallucinations that left you sweating and paralyzed with fear. i put so much time into you and you offered me the same in return. 

three bedrooms, two baths, two people, one circle. 

october 30, 2011. 

halloween is (was) your favorite holiday. all holidays were your favorite and i would roll my eyes with amusement every time you claimed so because anything with bright colors and decorations excited you. but this was really your favorite holiday. 

we spent weeks since the end of september buying pumpkins, scarecrows, spiderwebs and other spooky items to hang around the house to get in the spirit of the season. i found it a bit silly, but seeing that goofy smile of yours that split your face in two kept me from telling you no and made me say yes. 

yes, we can watch this movie [i hate horror films]. yes, we can wear matching costumes [i wanted to go as david bowie but you already bought costumes for jack and sally]. yes, we can have sex without a condom. 

BIG MISTAKE BIG MISTAKE BIG MISTAKE 

december 27, 2011. 

we couldn’t afford christmas that year. you stopped buying testosterone and we used what little money we had to fix the roof. that was okay; we could handle this. we didn’t need any of that. we had each other, freshly brewed hot chocolate and finally caught up on car note and electricity bill payments. that was a present enough. 

last time in october god looked over us with favor and the test came back negative. why couldn’t we learn from our past transgressions and work to improve them? we were blinded by lust and dumb luck. 

/

was it even my child, pete? was it a boy or girl? healthy? would they have had my hair, my smile, anything in resemblance of me? or would they have looked like him, the man who came between us and bent and curved the lines the wrong way? 

january 11, 2012.

new year, new you. i started working out and eating less and began learning french. your stomach began to swell with the starting of a new life and you tried to keep it a secret for as long as you could until i saw the new growth myself. 

“how long?” 

silence. 

“pete, how long?” 

“two,” you sobbed out. “two months. a-almost three.”

i accepted this and marvelled at the creature festering inside of you, a little piece of the two of us (the two of you?) i cared for you throughout the cramping, the seemingly shrinking clothes and morning sickness. when i touched your stomach and felt the first kick, i cried tears of joy. that was our baby. 

march 4, 2012. 

one year of our unity, four months of your pregnancy. four months of my obliviousness to what had happened to you when it was right under my nose the entire time. i didn’t know until i did and it broke me. 

“i’m sorry! it’s not what you think!”

“then what is it?” 

“patrick, please just hear me out.”

“there is nothing to speak about!” i roared. in a fit of frustration, i grabbed you by your arms and yelled at you until we were both red in the face. when i released you, you began weeping. i thought you were pathetic and refused to comfort you this time. i didn’t understand. i promise i do now. 

june 12, 2012.

we worked things out. you got a new tattoo to cover a healed scar and i started wearing more sweaters. we did whatever it took to keep us together. we played happy family until we both were deluded enough to forget about him just enough for us to function normally. your smile was more vibrant than ever, your belly the size of a ripe melon. i almost forgot about what happened until he came around. 

you told him what he’d done to you, but you didn’t tell me what he did to you. you kept the truth from me, the real truth. 

/

i wasn’t hurt because he got you pregnant. i loved our child with my entire heart. what angered me was that you would hide this from me and try to convince me that you had committed an act of adultery, that you were selfless enough to nearly ruin our relationship to spare his name. your intentions were pure. purity is false.

/

i found you in the closet down the hall next to the laundry room holding blood and squishy orbs of red in your cupped hands. before i could ask what happened, you began trying to push them back inside of yourself as you shrieked about the loss of our unborn child. your hands shook as you scooped gory clumps from the carpet and pressed them against your crotch and sobbed violently. 

/

molar pregnancy, tumor, non cancerous and treatable. those words meant nothing to us. symmetry had been shifted, like a mirror at a carnival that distorted the reflections of onlookers, except we weren’t laughing or amazed. we cried and held each other close as the doctor discussed treatment with us. 

august 20, 2012. 

we had to move, but he still found us. i would like to think that i don’t know how, but i know you still contacted him even when i suggested that you didn’t. the threatening calls didn’t stop until i changed the number to the landline, but i knew you didn’t feel safe. if you had just told me outright, i could have helped more. but you didn’t want my help. you never do (did). 

september 13, 2012. 

you came home late from work. i rarely question this because we both have worked overtime or taken up leftover shifts to make ends meet. what concerned me was the blood running down your face and the huge gash across your the middle of your face. 

“who did this?” 

you wouldn’t speak, couldn’t even look me in the eye. i didn’t ask again because it had him written all over it. i didn’t need to know. 

/

he was an old friend from college. you both were in a band together; he played drums and you played bass. you were close, more than friends but not dating. i guess he missed your old dynamic and took it upon himself to reinstate it without permission. 

i don’t know what i hate more, him or that you lied to me to protect the trash that is him. my heart still aches when i remember. i wish i could just forget this, forget andy, forget you. it would be easier to move on in life then, but i feel like i’m frozen in place and like this was a prophecy etched in stone. this had to happen for a reason. 

 

december 25, 2012. 

no gifts again. no peace of mind. we fought again and you had to wear three shades of foundation to hide your blackened eye. i told everyone i sprained my wrist when i slipped on the sidewalk and landed wrong. the surgeons scraped and scooped at your uterus lining until the tumor was removed. we didn’t speak for days. 

there was so much blood, but you refused to ask for help or to acknowledge me. i tried to not let it get to me.

/

if these walls could talk, do you think we'd learn more about each other? would the information prove beneficial or destructive? would we even listen? 

january 13, 2013. 

we slowly fix ourselves with duct tape and feverish hopes and for a while, it works. we move past the failed pregnancy, the physical assault, the rape, the lack of integrity. things are okay. 

i tell you i love you and you say it back and it doesn’t feel forced or performative. we invented symmetry and we will destroy and rebuild it as we please in only the way lovers can.

february 14, 2013. 

you are the love of my life. stubborn, brash and often argumentative, you’re my muse and have once again become a catalyst for me. sometimes i want to choke you until your face is a sickly shade of blue, but i decide against it because you complete me. 

i’ve been through hell with you, but i’d do it again if it means achieving perfect symmetry.

**Author's Note:**

> happy valentine’s day! thanks for reading this. any feedback or even just kudos are appreciated. you can find my blog @grounddweller


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